... So Must They Have an End.

Here are some (approximate) numbers for my past year.

My fulltime team:
125 stateside sets
50 Hong Kong sets
37 states visited
30 songs learned

Summer:
30 sets for worship team
for 50 summer teamers, 30 training staff members, and a few churches
16 songs learned on guitar for summer worship team

74 songs learned
from 6 countries of genres/styles
and taught on bass to 6 different bass players

16 songs taught in full band to team Taiwan
16 songs taught in full band to team Honduras

Misc:
7 team members,
6 (other) team members,
and 10 staff members that I grew close to
2 sicknesses
1 time filling in for djembe, rapping, and guitar
too many variations of sound system setups
too many ups and downs to count


and it's all over.

It's easy to look back on a short event and have definite feelings about it... but it's especially challenging to reflect on this past year considering all that's happened. I know some things for sure though. I know that I've learned a lot about myself and about the character of God. I know that now I'm supposed to figure out how to move past all that and settle down into a more consistent lifestyle. I'm excited to start the process, but I'm afraid that the transitionary period, combined with missing the ministry I've spent a year devoted to, will leave me feeling lonely and frustrated.

I'm afraid I'll want back what I had this past year, like it was mine to reclaim. But to feel that way would be to forget the original purpose of this year. It was to be "A Year Not my Own". It's purpose was to be a sacrifice, an offering. These words have lost much meaning in a society of entitlement. I hope that by devoting a year of my life to serving (serving CTI, the Hong Kong YFC, the churches, prisons, rescue missions, etc. we went to, and in doing so, serving God) that I can grow in selflessness, and therefore, Christ-likeness.

I can't express enough how appreciative I am of all who supported me this past year and helped make it a reality for me. This past year is a chapter of my life that I will never forget, and that will continue forming me for a long time. I know I can never fully explain to someone what this experience was like, but I'd love to try! So feel free to ask me about it if you're curious.

In Christ alone,
Mike

Summer Update

Well it's been a while since my last update, but that's certainly not for lack of eventfulness. Round 1 of summer training was nuts. Every day would begin with the worship team, which includes me, arriving early to practice for the morning songs. Three hours of rehearsal, an hour of sectional rehearsal, two hours of team time, two meals, and one seminar later comes the end of the day. On some days, there is even an extra hour of band rehearsal after dinner. After these twelve hour days, we go to our host homes, where I, along with the other music trainers, begin to go over the music for the next day's rehearsal.

It all went by in the blink of an eye.

Each day was exhausting and a whole lot of fun. Through teaching each of the bassists their parts, and working with an entire team through all of training, I grew to enjoy the challenges and joys of teaching (as if I needed reassurance that I'm like my mother). It's been fulfilling to pass on all that I've learned over the past year to a group of kids who've never done anything with CTI before, or sometimes never played with a band before, or even been overseas. And that's fine; I was like that with my first CTI experience.

And now they're all in Japan, Taiwan, or Zimbabwe, sharing the good news of Jesus Christ wherever they go. I'm so excited to hear about, once they return, all that God's done in the lives of those they met and in them as well.

In a week, 3 new teams of people come to prepare for completely different experiences in Guatemala, Honduras, and Singapore. I have some music to learn!



If you'd like to follow the summer teams and their updates, you can find it all at ctimusic.org

1 Week Left

Lately I’ve been exhausted. We’ve covered a lot of ground and been very busy, having very few off days. It’s coming to the end of my time touring with the team, and I’m exhausted. I think we all are though.

In spite of our tiredness, God has definitely been working in and through us. Just the other day we played at a church that gets really into worship. It was a great church with a great bunch of people. The pastor encouraged us, saying that though we’re weary, we were still a huge blessing to them. Something similar happened at the next place we played at, when our contact said something to the effect of, “we’ll be reaping the benefits of your visit for months to come”. Through our exhaustion, God is still moving.

It’s really weird to me, because a normal line of thought might suggest that when we’re burned out, we’re able to accomplish less. When we have nothing left, there’s nothing that we could possibly do. The problem is that this line of thought assumes that our strength comes solely from within. But God is our strength; He power is made perfect through our weakness.

Thanks be to God. While I am weak, He isn’t. If I am weary, He provides. And if work needs to be done, God will be my strength. In all this, I’m not losing myself, but finding my true identity: in Christ.

“[The Enemy] boasts… that when they are wholly His, they will be more themselves than ever.”

~C.S. Lewis from The Screwtape Letters

(From the perspective of a demon. Enemy = God, they = us)

Grand Central Station

We spent last weekend with Woodland Bible Church, and what a wonderful experience that was. Saturday we played for part of a fundraiser for a girl who will be a part of this coming summer program. She played with her worship team, then a separate group played, and then we closed out the night. God’s provision proved faithful in how much she was able to raise for this summer! During our mini-set, I got the opportunity to share about my summer trip to Taiwan two years ago. It was awesome to get to share with her supporters a real CTI summer experience as someone who’s done it before. In the middle of talking, I just got so excited for her and for everyone getting ready for a summer team.

The next morning we played a few songs for the worship part of the church service. We had the opportunity to learn a little more about the church through an adult Sunday school group and through the service. They don’t want the church to be a building that’s vacant 6 days of the week, they want it to be a community center of sorts. So something is always going on there whether it’s music (they had a sweet music setup that we got to use), youth events, or whatever. The pastor referred to it as a veritable “Grand Central Station”.

Something CTI is good at doing is revealing the importance of something that could be easily overlooked. An example of that is when they encourage us to think of time off-stage as ministry time as well. This goes under something else they talk about, which is stewardship of opportunity. We aren’t necessarily called to do huge things, but to be faithful to the opportunities presented to us. Much like what CTI encourages us to do, Woodland Bible Church has done a good job of stewarding what they have, their building. They see their off time (Mon-Sat) as an opportunity.

That church was great, and I hope to be a part of one like it some day. I also hope that one day I’ll naturally have that attitude as well.

Overseas, all the way to Missouri

We haven’t quite been on the road for a week yet, but we’ve been busy. We’ve been in one place and have been playing multiple concerts each day. Many of the rooms aren’t ideal for sound, and we’ve been getting pretty sweaty and gross through it all. On top of that, I’ve been sick for all of tour so far. It’s all reminded me of overseas touring, and for that I’ve loved it.

I only love all of these inconveniences because it reminds me of the reason I devoted a year to CTI: an overseas trip to Taiwan. But what about that trip did I love that makes me enjoy all this stuff now?

Something that quickly comes to mind when thinking about overseas CTI touring is all of the inconveniences: the temperature, the language barrier, the confusion, the busyness, etc. But in the midst of all that junk is the reason we’re there. The ministry of music as a means of sharing our hope in Christ is something that many have fallen in love with through CTI. It’s what unites total strangers for a few weeks in the summer, or for a whole year. It’s how summer teams can come back from their journey and talk about all of the challenges and struggles with nothing but a huge smile on their face.

Being with CTI stateside doesn’t create such a distinct contrast between ministry and everyday life – we’re used to all of the cultural nuances, we’re not as crazy busy, and we have more “things” to accommodate us. This, mixed with doing it all for a much longer time, makes it more difficult to have such a strong, fueling sense of purpose.

But that’s how “real life” is. We can't wait for the opportunity to be shocked into action and purpose by such a radical experience as being in another country. Everyday we should be radically trying to live out our passions and our purpose.

The past few days have reminded me to stay focused on why I’m here, and to not let little frustrations ruin something I’m working towards.

I won’t be going overseas this summer, but it was cool to have a little flashback of what it’s like. I can’t wait to train all of the summer teamers coming up for what will end up being an unforgettable experience for each of them!

Spring and Summer, How Different You Are

Spring Tour starts today, and it will be our last tour as a team. As it becomes painfully clear that this is it for us, I hope we will seize every opportunity put before us. In the midst of the inevitable exhaustion, and a bit of a “senioritis” feeling, I hope we will use all that we’ve learned up to this point to thrive in the ministry we’re a part of. Pray with me that we will follow God’s will for us in this ministry, that it would be for His glory and not our own.

After this tour will be summer. CTI will send six teams overseas to locations in Asia, Latin America, and Africa. All 14 of us fulltimers will become a part of the leadership/training community for these teams. Some will lead the summer teams, some will help out with the training aspects of the summer, some will support the kitchen staff, etc. I have the privilege of being a part of the music training team this summer. More specifically, I will be serving as the bass specialist. I’m very excited learn 6 repertoires of music and to work it all out with the six bass players for the summer!

On top of this, I’ll be playing guitar for the summer worship team as well. Each day we’ll begin by submitting our work and our efforts to God through musical worship. Then we’ll proceed to equip the summer team members for everything they’ll need for their several weeks overseas: music training, culture exercises, and spiritual discussions/seminars. It’s all very exciting and I can’t wait to share it all with you guys.

But for now, let’s focus on the mission at hand. See you soon Cali, Texas, Colorado, and all the less cool states in between.

No Strength

As tour was drawing to a close, I felt like I had nothing left. I felt like I needed the Easter break that we’re just now at the beginning of. But there were a few concerts left, and I was speaking for one of them. Each day sapped more energy from me, and I began to wonder, “What do I have left to offer this tour?” I had nothing left, and I had to pour out just one more time.

As I was praying and thinking about what to speak about, I arrived at a topic.

2 Corinthians 12:9-12

But [God] said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I spoke about relying on God, when that’s the only means by which I was speaking to them.

When I have no strength left, I will rely on my God.

Now comes break. Time to rest and prepare for the final fulltime tour, so that we all might finish the year strong. After all, what should we offer God but our best?

A Weekend for a Fool

Normally when we play a concert, it’s in front of a sea of blank faces. I don’t know anybody, and that seems to make it easier to do dramas and give testimonies. This past weekend was, as James put it, “the weekend that is Mike Wilkins”. Friday we played at my alma mater up in Troy, NY. Then on Sunday we played at my home church twice: once for the service and then again for an afternoon concert. Essentially, all of my worlds collided over the past few days. I was a bit nervous this weekend, speaking to so many familiar faces. And many of them had varying beliefs when it comes to faith, which only added to my nervousness.

During the drama we performed for my church, I was feeling so goofy and self-conscious. I’ve never been one who tends towards dramatic expression, and they all knew that. Halfway through the drama, an expression came to mind: “Fool for Christ”. I don’t remember where I first heard the expression, but I remember its meaning sinking in. It was supposed to describe people who are unashamed to be perceived as a fool for the sake of glorifying God.

Even with that expression in mind, I still felt a bit foolish. The encouragement from the expression came later. By the end of the weekend, I’d heard about as many compliments on our ministry as I’ve otherwise heard since sometime last fall. Having more of the behind the scenes roles on our team helps that statistic, but it was nevertheless a huge encouragement.

Even though I felt like a fool at times during our programs, I always felt genuine. I believed in everything we were doing. I was fine feeling goofy if it glorified God.

the rock and THE CANYON

I think I understand now why bands break up. Please let me explain.

Being around the same small group of people for so long takes its toll. You begin to notice many things about people. You notice the good things and the bad things. The temptation then is to take the good things for granted and to dwell on the bad things.

It’s not just that we’re together all the time, but we “work” together all the time to. We all have separate roles that collectively compile that which is our program. We all care about our program and how it affects others. So within all that lies more opportunities for noticing bad things, or having disagreements of opinion.

I can understand how all of that could tear a band apart. Not to mention that “real” bands write their own music and must decide upon the direction of their band, unlike CTI. But amidst all of the temptation towards negativity resides our sole, and original, purpose. Our purpose is to share God’s message with others, and to please Him through our efforts.

The other day we played at the church of a CTI alumnus. The audience was fairly mixed, but largely 40+. Afterwards, we got nothing but compliments on how much they liked it. Nothing pleases me, the sound guy, more than old people telling me how much they loved it! All of their encouragement was a reminder to focus on the bigger picture.

“…for those down in the valley with the dirt and the bugs. That is where the real work of [artistic] creation happens, not up in ivory towers or scenic overlooks, but with blistered hands and stained clothes. Still, in the dirt it is easy to lose perspective over time. Easy to see rock rather than canyon, thread rather than dress – easy to be so focused on the single word in the lyric that you can lose sight of the song or of why you make music in the first place.”

-Michael Gungor from The Crowd, The Critic, and The Muse

He may have been talking about being an artist, but the point applies here too. A CTI program is crafted with details (the rocks), but its purpose is bigger than that (the canyon). Its purpose is something that can’t be seen in the day-to-day minutia. We must step back and remind ourselves why we do this. I think that’s a great exercise for anyone in any situation – to re-examine why we do the things we do. Wouldn’t want to end up lost, not knowing how we got there would we?

I hope we can all learn to step back from time to time, and examine what we’re doing. With our job, school, ministry, whatever. Are we doing it for ourselves, are we doing it for others, are we doing it for God?

Opportunity for Growth

Lately I have been feeling a bit disengaged. From ministry, from the people we meet, and even my team. I wasn’t being (I hope) antisocial to the point of being a disappointment to my team or our contacts, but it was poor stewardship of the ministry opportunities before me. So I prayed for the problem to be gone, because apparently my first response to an issue that I’m causing is to ask God to fix it right up.

There’s a line from the movie Evan Almighty that always stuck out to me. While the movie isn't the greatest source of theological truths as a whole, I think this particular line is thought provoking. Morgan Freeman (God) is talking about how if someone prays for patience, do they think they’ll just wake up with patience or they’ll be given opportunities to be patient. Same deal for love, pride, and other such issues. If we prayed for patience, and simply woke up a more patient person, where would the personal growth be?

As an example, no great musician is great by chance. They were probably born with a good sense of rhythm, or an ear that’s finely tuned, but they certainly worked to attain their great musicianship. I think that’s just the way things work in life. So by asking God to magically grant us some good quality that we desire, we’re not only asking God to go against the nature of things (and therefore, His nature), but the next time an issue comes up, we’d just ask for more God magic. Where's the growth? If a parent gives a child everything he/she requested, would they end up being spoiled or having a firm grasp on the importance of “things”?

So back to my disengagement. We just spent a few days at a retreat with middle school aged kids. We got there, and they put us on different “teams” with the kids in groups of two. Later, they mentioned splitting off into our teams to do an activity in which, “each team has been given two adult leaders, and they’ll know what to do”. “Great”, I thought, “who are the adults on my team I wonder?” Soon thereafter it dawned on me that we were the group leaders who “knew what to do”.

If that retreat wasn’t an opportunity for me to engage, then I don’t know what is. We spent those few days working with the kids all the time on various activities. It was crazy, stressful, and altogether really fun. This was my opportunity for engagement. I am thankful for the answer to my prayer, and thankful that God gave me an opportunity for growth and not an easy way out of my problems.

Nashville Knows Best

We ended up in Nashville this past weekend due to a cancellation in our schedule. Because of this, we got to do something that we don’t often get the opportunity to do. We got to go to church and be a part of the congregation. Finally, we can just go to worship and to learn from the sermon. It was quite a refreshing change of pace.

If I were the kind of person who is focused solely on facts, I might just say that the music was really good. But I’m not, so here’s an entire blog about it:

The music was really good.

The music was loud enough to fill the room, but not enough to hurt your ears. The band was visible, but not quite enough to make out what kind of guitars and such they’re using. The lights set the feeling of the songs well, but they didn’t try to make it a light show. The musicians were clearly talented, but they weren’t there to show everyone just how talented. All this to say, it was very well done.

It made me think a lot about music and worship. I never loved the music at the church I went to during college. They were talented and everything, but it never felt very alive. It was loud enough to be heard, they played electric guitars, but it was very whatever. It was as if the music was there because it had to be, or because you need music to sing on top of.

At the church in Nashville, they allowed to music to do what it is supposed to do. They allowed it to collaborate with the song’s intention. It accommodated the lyrics with intensity, power, mellowness, or by setting up a soundstage for reflection. I think when it comes to worship, we sometimes set up a false dichotomy on the balance between showy music and oversimplified musical setups. As if playing music that requires skill, or having too many instruments, is too showy, but using no instruments isn’t “good enough”. I think it’s just about letting the music accommodate the songs and their message.

Think of a song that starts slow, builds, and explodes towards the end in a powerful chorus. Songs like this often start (lyrically) with simple thoughts, and then expand into something big that means a lot. So the musical ups and downs really accommodate that. The music allows the flow of the song to be perceived, felt, and understood beyond the words (it’s art after all). Think about this song done with nothing more than an acoustic guitar playing the same chords the same way the whole time. That would be a bastardization of the song.

I don’t want to come across as if to say simpler musical setups are bad. Simpler setups often have a very intimate feel to them that bigger setups just can’t accomplish. That’s awesome, but again, it should be done in a way that allows the intimate nature of the setup to reflect in the worship. Some of my favorite moments of worship are on Christmas Eve at my small traditional Lutheran church back home. Organ or piano, with 100 or 200 people singing Silent Night by candlelight. Simple, but everything fits together.

I think a lot of churches or Christian groups struggle with how to have “good” worship while keeping the focus on God. I know I don’t have it all figured out. There are so many intangibles when it comes to music and where someone’s heart is, but one thing I believe is that we shouldn’t be afraid to let the music be what it wants to be: a powerful medium of communication.

Final disclaimer. I understand that worship is about where the worshiper’s heart is. You don’t need good music (or any music) to worship with your whole self. I believe, though, that we should offer our best to God in our talents and creativity.

"How do you feel..."

“How do you feel when you meet people who aren’t Christians?”

A girl asked us this question at a Q&A the other day. For a few moments nobody said anything, it’s a difficult question. It’s a great question. I think a believer’s response to this question says a lot about their faith. It wasn’t until the end of the Q&A that I really arrived at my thoughts on the question.

It took me so long to find words to go along with the way I feel about non-Christians because it’s a complicated emotion. For me it’s not so simple as sadness, or so self-righteous as pity, but more like longing. I'll come back to this in a bit.

Because we're human and have sinned, Jesus came to earth to die and be raised from the dead to reconcile us to God. This is probably a good way to put the very basic foundation of the Christian faith. But of course, it's immeasurably more than that. As I've grown in my (still basic) understanding of God and life, I've come to see how everything works together. It's all so intricate and beautiful. It starts in learning more about sin and what it means to turn away from God. That's when we begin to better understand our condition as humans - broken. Then there's Jesus and our salvation (so great! but not to be discussed here). Then we can develop into the finer points of faith. Understanding things like love and humility is difficult, but by seeing how they work relationally, and seeing how they are embodied in our limited knowledge of God, one begins to see a bigger picture of God, life, faith, etc. It all becomes a wonderfully interwoven worldview based upon the foundation mentioned earlier.

Coming back around, when I see people who don't have such a worldview I feel a longing. When I see people making choices that don't go along with this faith, I long so deeply for them to see all the intricate beauties that follow from, "We believe in God, the Father almighty...". Instead of chasing a surface level, self-discovery based understanding of concepts like love, kindness, beauty, morals, faith, I long for them to see the world as held together by the one true God. I want this because there's so much we miss in life when we seek cheap thrills, or whatever feels right at the time. Most of all, I want this so that they would know the joy and love, beyond words, that comes from knowing the Father.

So what should I do about this longing? I'm not sure I'll ever have THE answer to that question. Throwing the truth at people often does more harm than good. That's why Jesus didn't just rant about all the stuff we mess up. He cared for the lost and the broken, and He died for all of us. On the flip-side, leaving them alone would be awfully sad. How can we believe something too great for words and not share it? Whatever it looks like for each of us, it should be done out of love for others.

So how do I feel about my relationships with non-Christians? It's complicated. However, I will never stop learning how best to love them and to share with them this beautiful faith."